Isn’t it interesting that human beings feel so self important as a species that we feel the need to create some kind of justification for our natural instincts? Teachers and politicians would have you believe that some wise man came up with the idea of cooperation between individuals to form a society. But does that mean that ants have some philosophy of implied consent to form the structure of their civilization? Are all these books and professionals in the field of law merely acting out a pantomime of evolutionary necessity?

I am currently a member of a Grand Jury and looking back at the history of the institution and the other covenants of the Magna Carta, I have a definite gut feeling that without these necessary parts of our system of law, we would fall apart as a civilization. But I also get the feeling that we don't have a choice. We either work together as a society, or we perish. The question is whether we follow the instinct of survival or we selfishly smother ourselves in greed, avarice, and pride. 

sink

I was never told there would be days like this.

Everything is fine on the surface, and nothing has happened that is unusual. I almost feel like I want to walk out into the desert and just disappear. Of course that would probably only cause more problems though. I have no excuse to feel like this. I have a life better than any I could have dreamed up. I am healthy, and I function reasonably well in this world. I have a very special woman in my life who loves me far more than I deserve. I have been relieved of a deadly affliction that kills most people afflicted with it. I have all this stuff going for me and yet I feel totally empty at the moment.

My best diagnosis of the problem, is that I feel as though I don’t deserve any of the good things in my life, and I feel incapable of holding on to any of them. The Buddha said that all suffering stems from the attachment to things of this world and the delusion of permanence. I wish I could find some solace in that. It is like I was saved from a terrible fall by grabbing on to a limb, only to know that my hold will fail, and I am doomed to fall anyway, and possibly breaking the tree apart in the process.

I don’t know what to do. I pray. I have faith that this feeling will pass, as all previous ones have, but right now it seems to be gripping me so tightly that I can barely breathe. If I could do some work, and accomplish something I might be able to beat it into submission, but I am almost paralyzed by the thought that I will fail and only fall deeper into this conundrum.

To Be Continued….

Birthday

Thirty-three years old. This adulthood thing still doesn’t make all that much sense to me, but it isn’t so bad. It seems as though the past couple of years I have just been sort of floating downstream and watching the sun peek through the cottonwoods overhead. It’s easy so long as I remember to relax and keep breathing.

This past year has been unlike any that has come before. I have made a partner, and I am slowly learning how to live my life in conjunction with someone else. At first it was a little strange, and vestiges of my isolated mindset kept trying to get me back to solitude, but this new lifestyle is slowly becoming comfortable and the love I have for my girl has eclipsed my selfish motivations for the most part. It is strange to learn how to open my life to someone after a decade of pushing everyone away. She really does make me want to be a better person; not to change who I am, but to improve who I am.

Life is funny. My adolescence was so full of pride and contempt that I thought it would never leave me. I thought I was destined to walk through life fighting everyone and everything that pushed me in any direction but the one I was headed in. I pounded my fists against the wall only to turn around one day to find that nobody was watching anymore. At some point, I opened my eyes and found that I had surrendered, and in doing so I had been lifted by a current that continues to carry me into experiences more amazing and comforting than my best childhood daydreams. I like where my life is carrying me.

I am not the best at anything, and my ignorance leaves a lot of room for me to grow. I am grateful for that. My expectations and entitlements were dropped with my pain. I feel as though I am past my expiration date, but nobody has noticed yet, and I continue to thrive. Each day is a day I am not owed. Each experience is a measure of grace. I did nothing to deserve this life, or all of the splendid people in it, but that won’t stop me from soaking up every last drop of love in this world that I can find.

I want to thank you. I want to thank this world for everything that you have taught and given me. Someday this body will shrivel and fall, but this life will always be, and it will always be amazing. 

tattoos

This collection of days, and this scratched up mind of mine, often seem incompatible with the present moment.

In this flat light it is hard to tell where I stand.

I walk past a building, or a space that holds some ghost of an emotion, and it seems like I am still there, hanging in the past.

A face conjures up some draft of an idea that I am unable to reconcile with the current circumstances.

I was so broken… so utterly irredeemable, and yet here I am; all shiny and new. I wear matching clothes and I pretend not to know how transparent my mask has become.

Everything is on the surface, so that it blends in with the passing of the seasons. I wear the loss of alternatives just like a bad tattoo.

But everyone seems to have tattoos these days. 

Gallatin

I got out of the rental car at about ten in the morning on the bank of the Gallatin. I had to put the smart phone down as I couldn’t stop looking at my work emails. When I got my waders on, and the rod put together, I was hoping that I could find a place to cross the river and just get off the beaten path. I definitely got what I was looking for.

About half a mile upstream from where I parked, the river was broken into at least ten different channels by a large beaver dam that created a spider web of small meandering streams that spread across a marshy, isolated wonderland of blue sky, green reeds, crystal clear water, and vibrant, lively spotted trout.

After about two hours of winding my way through the reeds and staring into the water, I realized I was lost. I had no idea which direction my car was, or how long it would take me to get there. I just knew I had to follow the current back downstream. Right about the time I started walking, I noticed that the bottom of the stream I was standing next to seemed to be moving. My breathing actually stopped for at least thirty seconds when I realized I was staring down at about forty trout lining the bottom of the creek that each measured at least twenty inches in length.

It was at that moment, that every single remnant of stress I had ever had in my life was completely removed from me. I was a child in God’s universe. I was precisely where I was supposed to be at that moment, and I knew nothing but absolute joy.

I only caught one of those fish, and I let him go, but I never plan to let go of that amazing moment, in this perfect day. I even made my flight.

Chester

  I went outside to have a cigar this evening and learned something about life. After standing in the doorway of my hotel for a few minutes, I decided to walk around the block and do a little people watching. I get a great deal of pleasure from the anonymity of the city.

  Most of the time, I guess I have a look on my face that discourages a lot of people from approaching me. I suppose this is the same mechanism that leads a lot of people to think I am aloof. Really, it is just a preemptive measure to limit the times I make a decision to give something of myself or say no to someone. I am uncomfortable with small talk, and I am even more uncomfortable saying no to anyone. This can make being in downtown San Francisco kind of uncomfortable, if I leave myself exposed, because on every street there seems to be someone trying to sell me something, or trying to get a hand out.

  Anyway, tonight I must have left my mean mug up in my hotel room, because I was catching smiles and eye contact from other people out wandering in the city evening. Eventually, I was approached by a guy looking for some money. I told him I didn’t have any cash or cigarettes, and he asked if he could just talk to me for a few minutes. Usually I could have just given him a hand wave and a shake of my head while somehow pretending to be polite, but tonight I just didn’t have it in me. I leaned up against the wall and said sure. I stuck my hand out and asked him his name. He told me his name was Chester, and that you can't judge a book by its cover. I agreed, and told him I had some life experience that has proven that statement to be true.

  The details of the conversation aren’t too important, but we proceeded to tell each other our stories and reminisce about Caprini Green when Chester told me he is a transplant from Chicago. He told me he would be sleeping on the street tonight after he hustled up enough money for a couple of beers. I wished him luck. I told him that life has ups. He told me life has downs. I told him that I have been in shoes pretty similar to his, and I think he believed me. He didn’t ask me for money again, after about forty five minutes, he asked if he could hug me, and I said yes.

  When I saw this man, I wanted to hide. I wanted a shield to protect myself from the discomfort of telling him no. I was sure I would leave the encounter with something taken from me, if only my pleasant mood. I was wrong. It was me who gained from the exchange, and I hope I will never forget it.

  Good luck Chester. I hope you get everything you need.