Monday, November 16, 2009

nothing to say #3

So this is the third draft of something. I don't know what. I know that I have a desire to say something. But my mind is empty. Sometimes if I just sit down and write, I figure out what it is, but I admit I have no confidence this will be the case tonight.
The light outside at around five o'clock reminds me of something. There are a million stories or more from November. The last of the dark leaves dry up on the trees in my neighborhood, and every corner holds a memory. It has been a long time since I have seen it with my eyes open. I am here now, and I am not sure I am taking advantage of it the way I promised myself I would when I was far away.
I admit that I forget how magical this all is. I slip once in awhile, and I lose perspective of how fortunate I am to be here. These little insignificant distractions are just enough sometimes to take my eyes away from my gratitude. I get to breathe this air into me! I get to kick these leaves on these sidewalks!
I may have been born into this, but I can't pretend to deserve it. I try to, but when I think about all that is available to me, it takes my breath away. Once in awhile I catch a glimpse of someone who seems to be thinking the same thing. That is when I know I am alive.
I have these friends. Some of them are hurting. Some of them I can help. I get to know amazing people. We write each other in to our stories, and we try to keep writing. It is easy when the sound is turned down for a little while. I am trying to take all the narratives to the same place. I am trying to pull my reverence into my job, my driving, my personal interactions. I am not to that point yet. But my friends help me remember.
I have the fortune to work with a few of them. And without being able to talk to them, I would lose my way. What would I be without my friends?
So I am pretty sure this is still about nothing. I haven't really maintained any kind of consistency in this thing. I hope I have clarified something to myself, if not to anyone else. I am getting to know myself a little these days. After years of avoiding myself, I am not really sure what I was so scared of for all those years. I cringe a little bit about who might read this far, but if you have, I am not ashamed. I don't mind letting you know me a little too.

Monday, November 9, 2009

When I was younger, I used to ride my bike to school on early fall mornings and daydream about being a grownup.
Today, I sit in front of a computer on an early fall morning, looking out my window and daydream about being younger and riding my bike to school.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

four minutes to write

People surprise me. People drain me.
And I don't even know what to say. There often seems no explanation. I am sure it is me.
We are all children of god, or whoever. Respect is due. Say what you might, we all have a right to be here, and to our piece of this thing. I just relish and remember the people in my life who I have been able to be completely comfortable with, those people who have made me better when I am around them. People exist in this world, who not only love you, but they can help you remember to love yourself.
The places I have been lately are filled with all kinds of people from all kinds of places. I enjoy meeting them. I enjoy getting little glimpses into their lives. I enjoy the perspective that experiences bring. Still, I long for just a few more of those people who make me smile just to see them. I long for people who I know I don't need to think about how to behave around, or what to say. I can't wait to meet the next person who brings out the best in me.