Tuesday, January 26, 2010

january song

What will the captain think?
Out on this road with the weeds
Blowin from one direction on home,
Wonder what will the captain think?

And where did that girl go now?
Running from nowhere
With a fist full of guilt
Tell me where did that girl go now.

Sometimes it gets hard to know.
Its hard to find normal leaning into the wind.
I don’t want to ask why I feel so alone,
I don’t want to remind you.

No I don’t want to remind you.

Who do they talk about now?
I pretended to resent
when they talked about me,
But I wonder, who do they talk about now?

How far is it to my home?
And where will I meet
The one who is waiting for me,
Tell me how far is it to my home?

Sometimes it gets hard to know.
Its hard to find normal leaning into the wind.
I don’t want to ask why I feel so alone,
I don’t want to remind you.

No I don’t want to remind you.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

tonight

I lie here tonight halfway between loneliness and gratitude. This dissonance is much less amplified than the dissonance I lived in the past. Still….
I keep writing drafts, and I keep throwing them away. I guess that is because I don’t know the story yet. I don’t know where I want the protagonist to go. I am not quite sure who he is going to be yet.
I just don’t know what I want. Maybe that is because I have everything I need.

Friday, January 8, 2010

warm in here

It is still cold outside. For a moment I look out of a window and think about who is out there. Struggles are harder when the shivering won’t stop. It is so easy to be grateful as I sit in this warm room given to me out of sheer grace. I wonder how easy it would be to have that gratitude if my path had been harder. I don’t think I have that in me. I wonder how I would feel if my life weren’t wonderful. Would I be bitter? Would I want to blot it all out?
I don’t feel guilty; at least not usually. I definitely didn’t get what I have now out of hard work and honesty throughout my life, but I didn’t get it by taking it from anyone else too. Rather, by some fortune, I find I have everything I need, and almost everything I want. There is no answer to this. There is no solution, as it isn’t a problem. It just is.
Still, I sit here and look out into that gray cold, and I remember living there too. I remember putting myself there, and hating everyone else for it. I remember being invisible as I walked through store isles just trying to stay warm, or even to have a conversation with a real person, that is, someone not like me.
I want to give what I have today. I want to share this feeling of actual enjoyment of life. I am not sure I know how. And somehow in all this, I hurt a little. I sit here with the whole beautiful world, with everything I need, and all the best of friends… I am extremely happy, but I hurt a little for what I can’t give away.
I know that there will be pain. I know that every life has some static. There will be losses and tragedies in my future. I am not blind to the realities of life. I know that someday all of this will end, that this story has some kind of conclusion. I want to be there to perceive fully how it plays out. But for right now, I am just so happy to be alive. I am happy for it all. I just want everyone else to be too.