Monday, August 3, 2020

Breath work

This was possibly the most significant thing I’ve ever done for myself and I had no expectations. Well, that might not be true. I had probably more negative expectations than neutral. I cannot overstate the intensity, and the familiarity of this experience. It is somehow related to both DMT hallucinations, dreams, and a few daydreams or visions I’ve had during periods of meditation and hypnosis, but I felt so much more present and conscious and sober. Through my breath, some subtle guidance, and an intention I met myself. I then fell in love with myself. The self, fell in love with me, and entered me. We talked, and then laughed and cried, and decided to do some work together.
I am here, clearly, to protect and love other people. The way I usually do that is to try and help them in some way. But I have always neglected myself. And everyone sees this, and I know this. But I didn’t really even believe in myself. And that is somehow so much more meaningful and literal than it sounds. I was starting to get into the experience and kind of normal emotions and seeing myself as a youngster, and the usual inner child stuff that always gets to me… Then I started visualizing other times of my life and seeing myself at different ages and times. And in different situations. And then I got to now. And I was lying there staring forward with my eyes closed at a mirror image of myself…. Maybe a little younger…. But perfect. Like I am. Perfectly flawed and rad. And I started crying as he investigated me. He saw all my shit, all my lies, and my fuckups and my trauma and my sins. And my veins, convictions, and perversions.
But all I could see was his power, and his wisdom, and his intelligence… and his gigantic fucking heart. I told him I loved him when he was starting to really look into me to a degree that was almost uncomfortable… and when I did it, it wasn’t really except I thought I was supposed to. And he like opened his eyes again and said, “HOW” with his god voice. And I instantly knew what he meant. I started shaking my head no and squirming about… and I screamed loud and started bawling hard. And then I could feel that heat open me. It spread me open by the soul…. And he came into me. He entered my body with his body fully, and there was this full couple of minutes of like resonance, and adjustment. He told me he loved me with my own lips, and he filled in every gap I have with his love. And when I kept laughing with him about how silly I’ve been to try and help all these people when I wasn’t even complete myself. And I cried with him about when I began to believe we were different and separate.
I could feel him read me and breathe into me and feel me feeling him. And I could feel the darkness go. The density increased in my body and my heart. And then I saw the blue fairy… or maybe thought of her. And the Pinocchio fixation totally made sense with an event from my childhood with such obvious clarity that I laughed again. And I could no longer see anything that wasn’t there, but my minds eye was very clear and my imagination and ability to conjure images in the mind was turned up… I pulled the mask from my eyes, but kept them closed and saw the light of the room.
I said I love you. I heard I love you when it came from my mouth. And I realized I couldn’t stop with the deep breaths. It made me laugh. I giggled my way back all the way into reality. And when I stood up I was overwhelmed with gratitude. I realized all of the last two weeks was about this… and All of my life really had led me to this place. In Hollywood, with these people in my life. I felt like Dorothy waking after the tornado. I was washing gratitude all over the room and over the trip here, and the experiences that preceded it. For a moment I wished Katie could have come here, and thought how much she could benefit from it… but then realized that I really didn’t know when this streak of things coming together so obviously to help me or show me the way began…. I had to consider that maybe things happened the way they did for a very particular reason. I haven’t seen Katie for two months. I am no longer bound to her by commitment. I am no longer putting her first in my life. I am putting myself first. And I do love myself. I do love the qualities I have. I love the me who joined me especially today. The qualities he has, have been with him since birth. And maybe because they caused some pain, or because the rest of me blamed him for that pain, somehow in my later childhood I pulled him from me and disowned him. Or I suffocated him behind lies I tried to become. But he is strong, and I need him so bad. And he is who I really am as well as all these scars and lessons on my skin and my mind. He is who I am. He looks at me from the mirror and sees all the way to the gold inside. He is still here. We are finding our strengths and how to share our work.
My creator made me out of love. And by the virtue of his love, and the grace of hope and gratitude, my strings were unnecessary. Some magic visited me as a child and presented me with work to do. I was granted certain gifts and certain challenges. I had to learn to have hope, and perseverance. I had to learn to experience the world, and all the intense pain and feelings that being human provides. I had to learn how to discern the true from the false. I had to become brave. I had to be truthful. I had to be unselfish. And if I could learn to love first by learning my truth and loving myself…. I finally became a real boy.