This is not my real smile.
I don’t have anything to say. I don’t know why I have a blog. Nobody is going to gain or learn anything from what I write here. I guess there are worse ways to waste time, but I hope you know I won’t be offended if you don’t read this.
I don’t have anything figured out. I am just putting one foot in front of the other most of the time. I don’t deserve anything I have. I didn’t earn it. I just have fortune and grace. There are a few tips I have learned that help me navigate this world I find myself in, but how am I to know if they will work for anyone else? Why would I bother wasting my time or yours spewing them out here on the internet? Why am I writing this? Why this drive to put a message in a bottle and expose myself to the world?
The older I get, and the more I experience, the less I feel like I have figured out. I don’t have a clue how the world operates or how other people think. I don’t even know what I think most of the time. I can’t seem to come down on one side of most controversies. I really miss that adolescent feeling of being so sure of what I believe in. Today, I really have no clue. I feel adrift a good deal of the time. I feel less and less willing to commit to anything. I don’t want to be painted into a corner. This leads me to be alone a lot of the time, and I think it drives people away sometimes. Better to be alone, though, than to be forced into insincerity just to be around someone.
Most people make me feel uncomfortable. I don’t like small talk. I don’t always like to break the ice. The ice keeps a buffer between me and the friend I can’t say no to. I mean, it is easier to stay at arm’s length, than to attend another friend’s funeral, or to have to push someone out of my life. I am better at avoiding the whole thing than trying to enforce boundaries.
This is a rambling mess. This is what I do instead of drinking. This is how I waste my time. I sit in front of a computer and think myself around in circles until it is time to go to sleep. There is nothing really wrong with that. Where it becomes wrong is when I broadcast it out there for you to look at.
Goodnight.

Resentment

 
I left work today just a little bit angry about a comment someone had made. Actually, it was a comment someone had made that drew a reaction from someone else toward me. That is to say, it was a comment that I didn't even hear myself.
Anyway, the point is that when I left work, it was just one part of a day that wasn't really any more stressful than any other. In fact, it was a pretty decent day. It was a Friday, and I had accomplished some things. I left work with less loose ends than average. I had to stay about an hour after the work day ended, but there was really nothing upsetting or strange about that. I was even going fishing after work, so life was good.
The thing about resentments, is that they tend to grow. They are like those crystalline cancer cells I remember from high school. Resentments have a way of killing me from the inside out. At first, like today, they are just small annoyances. At some point, however, they turn into obsessions that eat away at my life. They rapaciously take more and more until I can think of little else. That is the point, if I can't find a way to let go of it, that I begin to self destruct. I have been down that road before.
By the time I was out there in the middle of the river, I found myself grinding my teeth thinking about it. I was doing the old stupid imaginary conversations where I say just the right thing. I was out there in the middle of a beautiful stream with calm all around me, and I was gritting my teeth. I guess I felt like I couldn't let it go.... but then I realized I hadn't tried.
I don't really know why some people can just go through life and react to things in a sane and reasonable fashion. I don't know why my world is a little bit crumpled from time to time. I don't know why my lenses get blurry. I am a little bit off. I have learned that it isn't the worst thing in the world, I just have to remember. I have to remind myself that the way I react to things is often strange and dysfunctional. If I remember that I am a little bit insane, and adjust my behavior, things usually turn out okay. Somewhere along the line I had to learn how to let go of the illusion of control. I have learned that there is very little difference between other people and myself. I have learned that we are all just trying to do the best we can. I have learned that it is far better to just love and accept people the way they are, and that life goes a lot easier for me when I cease fighting anyone or anything.
The thing is... I forget, and my natural state is to be in conflict, insane, and twisted up. That is what I am used to, and once in awhile, I find myself back there for no good reason. I am just glad I can wait to act out on my insanity until it passes. I didn't learn that. I didn't gain that through strength or will power. That is just grace.

I sit here and try to capture the magic that is a hot day in the city with words. It is a futile exercise. I can get so lost down here that I almost disappear. All that is left blends in with the surroundings that I love so much. For moments that seem to stretch out past time, I feel a part of the whole scene; the kids splashing each other in the fountain, the soft asphalt that releases the memories of past summer nights with each slight draft, the young couples who walk down the sidewalk seeing nothing but each other.
It is times like this that I wish I could write. I wish I could just take a piece of the way I see this scene and share it with the people I love. And these are just two eyes; this is one heart that can’t even begin to take it all in. As I sit here in the sunshine, I know I could stay here forever. And maybe I will. I know I can’t keep any of this, and I know the faces and the forms will change. It is just that the way the world holds me right here, the way I am cradled by everything I can observe… I feel like I am a part of something so much bigger than my little problems and ideas.
This heat brings everything out into the open. The city is exposed in a way that might seem shocking or outrageous in October. Today anything goes. This is summer in Boise Idaho, and we are all out here in the open. The bricks, the trees, the lights, and the heat. We are all here together sharing this moment in whatever way we choose.