Thirty-three years old. This adulthood thing still doesn’t make all that much sense to me, but it isn’t so bad. It seems as though the past couple of years I have just been sort of floating downstream and watching the sun peek through the cottonwoods overhead. It’s easy so long as I remember to relax and keep breathing.
This past year has been unlike any that has come before. I have made a partner, and I am slowly learning how to live my life in conjunction with someone else. At first it was a little strange, and vestiges of my isolated mindset kept trying to get me back to solitude, but this new lifestyle is slowly becoming comfortable and the love I have for my girl has eclipsed my selfish motivations for the most part. It is strange to learn how to open my life to someone after a decade of pushing everyone away. She really does make me want to be a better person; not to change who I am, but to improve who I am.
Life is funny. My adolescence was so full of pride and contempt that I thought it would never leave me. I thought I was destined to walk through life fighting everyone and everything that pushed me in any direction but the one I was headed in. I pounded my fists against the wall only to turn around one day to find that nobody was watching anymore. At some point, I opened my eyes and found that I had surrendered, and in doing so I had been lifted by a current that continues to carry me into experiences more amazing and comforting than my best childhood daydreams. I like where my life is carrying me.
I am not the best at anything, and my ignorance leaves a lot of room for me to grow. I am grateful for that. My expectations and entitlements were dropped with my pain. I feel as though I am past my expiration date, but nobody has noticed yet, and I continue to thrive. Each day is a day I am not owed. Each experience is a measure of grace. I did nothing to deserve this life, or all of the splendid people in it, but that won’t stop me from soaking up every last drop of love in this world that I can find.
I want to thank you. I want to thank this world for everything that you have taught and given me. Someday this body will shrivel and fall, but this life will always be, and it will always be amazing.