warm in here

It is still cold outside. For a moment I look out of a window and think about who is out there. Struggles are harder when the shivering won’t stop. It is so easy to be grateful as I sit in this warm room given to me out of sheer grace. I wonder how easy it would be to have that gratitude if my path had been harder. I don’t think I have that in me. I wonder how I would feel if my life weren’t wonderful. Would I be bitter? Would I want to blot it all out?
I don’t feel guilty; at least not usually. I definitely didn’t get what I have now out of hard work and honesty throughout my life, but I didn’t get it by taking it from anyone else too. Rather, by some fortune, I find I have everything I need, and almost everything I want. There is no answer to this. There is no solution, as it isn’t a problem. It just is.
Still, I sit here and look out into that gray cold, and I remember living there too. I remember putting myself there, and hating everyone else for it. I remember being invisible as I walked through store isles just trying to stay warm, or even to have a conversation with a real person, that is, someone not like me.
I want to give what I have today. I want to share this feeling of actual enjoyment of life. I am not sure I know how. And somehow in all this, I hurt a little. I sit here with the whole beautiful world, with everything I need, and all the best of friends… I am extremely happy, but I hurt a little for what I can’t give away.
I know that there will be pain. I know that every life has some static. There will be losses and tragedies in my future. I am not blind to the realities of life. I know that someday all of this will end, that this story has some kind of conclusion. I want to be there to perceive fully how it plays out. But for right now, I am just so happy to be alive. I am happy for it all. I just want everyone else to be too.