Saturday, July 24, 2010

 
This is not my real smile.
I don’t have anything to say. I don’t know why I have a blog. Nobody is going to gain or learn anything from what I write here. I guess there are worse ways to waste time, but I hope you know I won’t be offended if you don’t read this.
I don’t have anything figured out. I am just putting one foot in front of the other most of the time. I don’t deserve anything I have. I didn’t earn it. I just have fortune and grace. There are a few tips I have learned that help me navigate this world I find myself in, but how am I to know if they will work for anyone else? Why would I bother wasting my time or yours spewing them out here on the internet? Why am I writing this? Why this drive to put a message in a bottle and expose myself to the world?
The older I get, and the more I experience, the less I feel like I have figured out. I don’t have a clue how the world operates or how other people think. I don’t even know what I think most of the time. I can’t seem to come down on one side of most controversies. I really miss that adolescent feeling of being so sure of what I believe in. Today, I really have no clue. I feel adrift a good deal of the time. I feel less and less willing to commit to anything. I don’t want to be painted into a corner. This leads me to be alone a lot of the time, and I think it drives people away sometimes. Better to be alone, though, than to be forced into insincerity just to be around someone.
Most people make me feel uncomfortable. I don’t like small talk. I don’t always like to break the ice. The ice keeps a buffer between me and the friend I can’t say no to. I mean, it is easier to stay at arm’s length, than to attend another friend’s funeral, or to have to push someone out of my life. I am better at avoiding the whole thing than trying to enforce boundaries.
This is a rambling mess. This is what I do instead of drinking. This is how I waste my time. I sit in front of a computer and think myself around in circles until it is time to go to sleep. There is nothing really wrong with that. Where it becomes wrong is when I broadcast it out there for you to look at.
Goodnight.
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1 comment:

  1. I learn something new from you every day. You're brilliant, and wonderful. I know a lot of people respect you and are proud of you. Don't be too hard on yourself. xo You mean a lot, to a lot of people. What you write, and have to say, matter.

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