I ran into an old friend yesterday.
She is as beautiful as ever. The last time I remember seeing her, my life was in pieces and hers was smooth. Those roles are a little different today, but I still feel so small and ignorant when she smiles. She shared an anecdote about a boy who stopped breathing a decade ago on her living room floor. I felt some vague recollection of hearing the story before. It could have been a dream.
It is funny how the things and situations we find so permanent and definite sometimes seem to get really small when you are reminded of the past. My life seems to be full of such extremes. In my youth I so arrogantly thumbed my nose at death and the inevitable consequences I was told so much about. When I see someone who knew me then, I can get proud, embarrassed, grateful and nostalgic all at the same time. The combination of awkward regret and ego are my first reaction. Eventually, though, I take a look at them. I absorb the story in the wrinkles starting to form around their eyes. I hear the triumph in their voice for making it to today alive. It is at that point that I am reminded we are not very different. We all have ups and downs. We have all done foolish things. We have all hurt others, and we have all been victims. My story is not that unique. When I remember that, I remember to love.
This is beautiful Taylor:) I can not count the times that I have brought up stories of friends hard times so ignorantly through the years. I never meant any harm by it, but i never really thought about what they had been going through because i had never been there myself, I would say very personal things about friends (things they had confided to me) and put "i love them but..." before everything.I had even fooled myself into believing that it wasn't just me spreading gossip because i had nothing better to talk about that was very interesting. And then I also realized that my conversational "filler" had a real person attached to the story and perhaps i should shut my mouth if i do indeed love these people as much as i say i do.I think alot about how many people i possibly hurt and also destroyed any possibility of a trusting friendship with over the years because of my ignorance. you are amazing and an inspiration to me taylor, i hope i never made you feel any less than that. it was never intentional, just dumb on my part.
ReplyDeleteI loved you today as I loved you then. The memory has always been a haunt in the shadows of my mind. I respect and honor the heart that you have put into words. It is all so true and we stand on common ground. You have always held a very special place in my heart and throughout the years I have thought and wondered about you and hoped for you to have a better life. We are survivors, our stories help heal each other and countless others. Talking about the past is painful and the memories so real, but that makes us stronger. Your wisdom and compassion today are soothing balm to the sores, aches, and pains of my wounded spirit. We have much to learn from each other. I am always here for you, a friend you will always have. No matter how much times goes by, some things do last, and that bond of friendship is priceless. Never be ashamed of yourself or where you've come from, it's an asset now. You are one of my heroes. Love always, Lani
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