Taylorisms

You can never get enough of something that almost works.

Grateful never relapses.

The argument you win is the one you don't have.

The truth you tell us equal to the help you'll receive.

You can't save your ass and your face at the same time.

Stay where your feet are.

Right now it's like this.

You are what you answer to. 

Whatever you put ahead of your spiritual program will be the first thing you'll lose when you get high.

Recovery is following through on your commitment when nobody is watching.

What you let consume your mind is your higher power.

Nobody can make me feel anything.

Freedom is forgiveness. What you don't forgive, you become.

Karma does it's job better than I do.

If you have to keep it secret, don't do it.

Love is cunning, baffling, cunning and expensive.

Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be.

The willow is stronger than the oak.

Breath work

This was possibly the most significant thing I’ve ever done for myself and I had no expectations. Well, that might not be true. I had probably more negative expectations than neutral. I cannot overstate the intensity, and the familiarity of this experience. It is somehow related to both DMT hallucinations, dreams, and a few daydreams or visions I’ve had during periods of meditation and hypnosis, but I felt so much more present and conscious and sober. Through my breath, some subtle guidance, and an intention I met myself. I then fell in love with myself. The self, fell in love with me, and entered me. We talked, and then laughed and cried, and decided to do some work together.

I am here, clearly, to protect and love other people. The way I usually do that is to try and help them in some way. But I have always neglected myself. And everyone sees this, and I know this. But I didn’t really even believe in myself. And that is somehow so much more meaningful and literal than it sounds. I was starting to get into the experience and kind of normal emotions and seeing myself as a youngster, and the usual inner child stuff that always gets to me… Then I started visualizing other times of my life and seeing myself at different ages and times. And in different situations. And then I got to now. And I was lying there staring forward with my eyes closed at a mirror image of myself…. Maybe a little younger…. But perfect. Like I am. Perfectly flawed and rad. And I started crying as he investigated me. He saw all my shit, all my lies, and my fuckups and my trauma and my sins. And my veins, convictions, and perversions.

But all I could see was his power, and his wisdom, and his intelligence… and his gigantic fucking heart. I told him I loved him when he was starting to really look into me to a degree that was almost uncomfortable… and when I did it, it wasn’t really except I thought I was supposed to. And he like opened his eyes again and said, “HOW” with his god voice. And I instantly knew what he meant. I started shaking my head no and squirming about… and I screamed loud and started bawling hard. And then I could feel that heat open me. It spread me open by the soul…. And he came into me. He entered my body with his body fully, and there was this full couple of minutes of like resonance, and adjustment. He told me he loved me with my own lips, and he filled in every gap I have with his love. And when I kept laughing with him about how silly I’ve been to try and help all these people when I wasn’t even complete myself. And I cried with him about when I began to believe we were different and separate.

I could feel him read me and breathe into me and feel me feeling him. And I could feel the darkness go. The density increased in my body and my heart. And then I saw the blue fairy… or maybe thought of her. And the Pinocchio fixation totally made sense with an event from my childhood with such obvious clarity that I laughed again. And I could no longer see anything that wasn’t there, but my minds eye was very clear and my imagination and ability to conjure images in the mind was turned up… I pulled the mask from my eyes, but kept them closed and saw the light of the room.

I said I love you. I heard I love you when it came from my mouth. And I realized I couldn’t stop with the deep breaths. It made me laugh. I giggled my way back all the way into reality. And when I stood up I was overwhelmed with gratitude. I realized all of the last two weeks was about this… and All of my life really had led me to this place. In Hollywood, with these people in my life. I felt like Dorothy waking after the tornado. I was washing gratitude all over the room and over the trip here, and the experiences that preceded it. For a moment I wished Katie could have come here, and thought how much she could benefit from it… but then realized that I really didn’t know when this streak of things coming together so obviously to help me or show me the way began…. I had to consider that maybe things happened the way they did for a very particular reason. I haven’t seen Katie for two months. I am no longer bound to her by commitment. I am no longer putting her first in my life. I am putting myself first. And I do love myself. I do love the qualities I have. I love the me who joined me especially today. The qualities he has, have been with him since birth. And maybe because they caused some pain, or because the rest of me blamed him for that pain, somehow in my later childhood I pulled him from me and disowned him. Or I suffocated him behind lies I tried to become. But he is strong, and I need him so bad. And he is who I really am as well as all these scars and lessons on my skin and my mind. He is who I am. He looks at me from the mirror and sees all the way to the gold inside. He is still here. We are finding our strengths and how to share our work.

My creator made me out of love. And by the virtue of his love, and the grace of hope and gratitude, my strings were unnecessary. Some magic visited me as a child and presented me with work to do. I was granted certain gifts and certain challenges. I had to learn to have hope, and perseverance. I had to learn to experience the world, and all the intense pain and feelings that being human provides. I had to learn how to discern the true from the false. I had to become brave. I had to be truthful. I had to be unselfish. And if I could learn to love first by learning my truth and loving myself…. I finally became a real boy. 

Growing Older

My grandmother is in town. Ramona. She is 85. The first thing we did when we found out she was coming to town was run down to Albertson's and buy a case of Coca-Cola. Ramona is a diabetic who has had two bypass surgeries. She is as full of defiance, opinion, and love as I ever remember her. Today she had two demands of me. The first was to stop getting tattoos on my arms, and the second was to get married and start having kids.

It is really hard for me to imagine that I am at an age where anyone would think it a good idea for me to have children. I feel entirely too immature. I am still too young to want to put any boundaries on my life. I am 34 years old. When I spend time around other people who are even my age, they feel old to me. They seem like they are too old to identify with me. And to look at someone who is 85 and imagine that someday I will be dealing with a body that is full of pain and the scars of age is too much to comprehend. I know it is happening already. Life has a funny way of giving you all the clues, but keeping you too busy to know what the storyline is. I suppose it is better that way.

One of the only clues in my life that leads me to the conclusion that I have learned anything during these past 20 years is that I feel gratitude for the people who have graciously consented to share their lives with me. When I was a teenager I had no time or patience to listen to my grandparents and I missed out on a lot of chances to enjoy their company and learn from them. It is frustrating to think of all the pain and disappointment in my life that I could have avoided by following the guidance of more experienced people who loved me enough to tell me what I should be doing. I could have had a lot more fun if I would have stopped pretending I knew everything, shut up, and done the next indicated thing. I guess youth is wasted on the young.

Spending time with two other generations of my family also gives me a great insight into the patterns that form in relationships. I watch my mom and her brother argue over things in a loving way that mean next to nothing. I watch my mom show a level of service to my grandmother that is truly remarkable. That gratitude that I am just now starting to feel aware of is demonstrated in every action that my mother performs in the presense of her mother. When the conversation turns towards my recently passed grandfather I see the deep reverence and respect that we all feel towards a man who sacrificed so much of himself to guide us all into the best things in life. I feel lucky to be a part of this family.

Every year of my life seems to go by a little faster. It seems that in the blink of an eye I will one day be remembering the lessons I learned from these amazing people without the benefit of having them so accessible. I suppose I am fortunate to be aware of this fact while I can still do something about it but the powerlessness and weight of it is difficult sometimes. It is days like today that I would love to freeze time and keep the loved ones I have now forever in my life. I would love nothing more than to spend as much time with these people as they could stand just so that I can learn everthing I can from them and show them how very important they are to me. I can only hope that in the limited time I really do have that I can convey that love and respect to them. Sometimes I really doubt I do a very good job at that. I suppose I can start trying harder now.

It doesn't have to be true that we never realize what we have before it is gone. It doesn't have to be that we never are able to show the people who comprise our family how much we love them. But it can't be done while worrying about the things that so commonly trap us into doubt, self pity, and fear. We can live our lives in the present moment and serve those around us in such a way that makes the wold a better place. I believe this. I just have to figure out how to do it.

Maybe it is growing older that teaches us how to do things right. Maybe it is the humility that comes with the the loss of youth that causes us to be better human beings. That would seem to be the case with my family anyway.

-Taylor

Isn’t it interesting that human beings feel so self important as a species that we feel the need to create some kind of justification for our natural instincts? Teachers and politicians would have you believe that some wise man came up with the idea of cooperation between individuals to form a society. But does that mean that ants have some philosophy of implied consent to form the structure of their civilization? Are all these books and professionals in the field of law merely acting out a pantomime of evolutionary necessity?

I am currently a member of a Grand Jury and looking back at the history of the institution and the other covenants of the Magna Carta, I have a definite gut feeling that without these necessary parts of our system of law, we would fall apart as a civilization. But I also get the feeling that we don't have a choice. We either work together as a society, or we perish. The question is whether we follow the instinct of survival or we selfishly smother ourselves in greed, avarice, and pride. 

Birthday

Thirty-three years old. This adulthood thing still doesn’t make all that much sense to me, but it isn’t so bad. It seems as though the past couple of years I have just been sort of floating downstream and watching the sun peek through the cottonwoods overhead. It’s easy so long as I remember to relax and keep breathing.

This past year has been unlike any that has come before. I have made a partner, and I am slowly learning how to live my life in conjunction with someone else. At first it was a little strange, and vestiges of my isolated mindset kept trying to get me back to solitude, but this new lifestyle is slowly becoming comfortable and the love I have for my girl has eclipsed my selfish motivations for the most part. It is strange to learn how to open my life to someone after a decade of pushing everyone away. She really does make me want to be a better person; not to change who I am, but to improve who I am.

Life is funny. My adolescence was so full of pride and contempt that I thought it would never leave me. I thought I was destined to walk through life fighting everyone and everything that pushed me in any direction but the one I was headed in. I pounded my fists against the wall only to turn around one day to find that nobody was watching anymore. At some point, I opened my eyes and found that I had surrendered, and in doing so I had been lifted by a current that continues to carry me into experiences more amazing and comforting than my best childhood daydreams. I like where my life is carrying me.

I am not the best at anything, and my ignorance leaves a lot of room for me to grow. I am grateful for that. My expectations and entitlements were dropped with my pain. I feel as though I am past my expiration date, but nobody has noticed yet, and I continue to thrive. Each day is a day I am not owed. Each experience is a measure of grace. I did nothing to deserve this life, or all of the splendid people in it, but that won’t stop me from soaking up every last drop of love in this world that I can find.

I want to thank you. I want to thank this world for everything that you have taught and given me. Someday this body will shrivel and fall, but this life will always be, and it will always be amazing. 

tattoos

This collection of days, and this scratched up mind of mine, often seem incompatible with the present moment.

In this flat light it is hard to tell where I stand.

I walk past a building, or a space that holds some ghost of an emotion, and it seems like I am still there, hanging in the past.

A face conjures up some draft of an idea that I am unable to reconcile with the current circumstances.

I was so broken… so utterly irredeemable, and yet here I am; all shiny and new. I wear matching clothes and I pretend not to know how transparent my mask has become.

Everything is on the surface, so that it blends in with the passing of the seasons. I wear the loss of alternatives just like a bad tattoo.

But everyone seems to have tattoos these days. 

Gallatin

I got out of the rental car at about ten in the morning on the bank of the Gallatin. I had to put the smart phone down as I couldn’t stop looking at my work emails. When I got my waders on, and the rod put together, I was hoping that I could find a place to cross the river and just get off the beaten path. I definitely got what I was looking for.

About half a mile upstream from where I parked, the river was broken into at least ten different channels by a large beaver dam that created a spider web of small meandering streams that spread across a marshy, isolated wonderland of blue sky, green reeds, crystal clear water, and vibrant, lively spotted trout.

After about two hours of winding my way through the reeds and staring into the water, I realized I was lost. I had no idea which direction my car was, or how long it would take me to get there. I just knew I had to follow the current back downstream. Right about the time I started walking, I noticed that the bottom of the stream I was standing next to seemed to be moving. My breathing actually stopped for at least thirty seconds when I realized I was staring down at about forty trout lining the bottom of the creek that each measured at least twenty inches in length.

It was at that moment, that every single remnant of stress I had ever had in my life was completely removed from me. I was a child in God’s universe. I was precisely where I was supposed to be at that moment, and I knew nothing but absolute joy.

I only caught one of those fish, and I let him go, but I never plan to let go of that amazing moment, in this perfect day. I even made my flight.

Chester

  I went outside to have a cigar this evening and learned something about life. After standing in the doorway of my hotel for a few minutes, I decided to walk around the block and do a little people watching. I get a great deal of pleasure from the anonymity of the city.

  Most of the time, I guess I have a look on my face that discourages a lot of people from approaching me. I suppose this is the same mechanism that leads a lot of people to think I am aloof. Really, it is just a preemptive measure to limit the times I make a decision to give something of myself or say no to someone. I am uncomfortable with small talk, and I am even more uncomfortable saying no to anyone. This can make being in downtown San Francisco kind of uncomfortable, if I leave myself exposed, because on every street there seems to be someone trying to sell me something, or trying to get a hand out.

  Anyway, tonight I must have left my mean mug up in my hotel room, because I was catching smiles and eye contact from other people out wandering in the city evening. Eventually, I was approached by a guy looking for some money. I told him I didn’t have any cash or cigarettes, and he asked if he could just talk to me for a few minutes. Usually I could have just given him a hand wave and a shake of my head while somehow pretending to be polite, but tonight I just didn’t have it in me. I leaned up against the wall and said sure. I stuck my hand out and asked him his name. He told me his name was Chester, and that you can't judge a book by its cover. I agreed, and told him I had some life experience that has proven that statement to be true.

  The details of the conversation aren’t too important, but we proceeded to tell each other our stories and reminisce about Caprini Green when Chester told me he is a transplant from Chicago. He told me he would be sleeping on the street tonight after he hustled up enough money for a couple of beers. I wished him luck. I told him that life has ups. He told me life has downs. I told him that I have been in shoes pretty similar to his, and I think he believed me. He didn’t ask me for money again, after about forty five minutes, he asked if he could hug me, and I said yes.

  When I saw this man, I wanted to hide. I wanted a shield to protect myself from the discomfort of telling him no. I was sure I would leave the encounter with something taken from me, if only my pleasant mood. I was wrong. It was me who gained from the exchange, and I hope I will never forget it.

  Good luck Chester. I hope you get everything you need. 

The Duke

This is Mowgli:
















Mowgli is interested in romantic evenings cuddled on the couch, long strolls on a beach or next to the river, and playing fetch. Mowgli is settled down and happy, but from time to time he would like a little variety in his life. Please respond with a photo.

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Old Friends

I ran into an old friend yesterday.

She is as beautiful as ever. The last time I remember seeing her, my life was in pieces and hers was smooth. Those roles are a little different today, but I still feel so small and ignorant when she smiles. She shared an anecdote about a boy who stopped breathing a decade ago on her living room floor. I felt some vague recollection of hearing the story before.  It could have been a dream.

It is funny how the things and situations we find so permanent and definite sometimes seem to get really small when you are reminded of the past. My life seems to be full of such extremes. In my youth I so arrogantly thumbed my nose at death and the inevitable consequences I was told so much about. When I see someone who knew me then, I can get proud, embarrassed, grateful and nostalgic all at the same time.  The combination of awkward regret and ego are my first reaction. Eventually, though, I take a look at them. I absorb the story in the wrinkles starting to form around their eyes. I hear the triumph in their voice for making it to today alive. It is at that point that I am reminded we are not very different. We all have ups and downs. We have all done foolish things. We have all hurt others, and we have all been victims. My story is not that unique. When I remember that, I remember to love. 

Test

Autumn is here, and I still haven't taken much of an honest moment to observe the summertime. I waste so much time complaining about how I don't have any time. That being said, I think I can safely say that this has been the best summer of my life. I said that last summer too, and it was true. I am happy this is the case.
The mornings are crisp, and I can smell the history of bus rides and kicking leaves as I walk around in them. Instead of feeling exposed, I feel protected by this little city I live in. I feel home. Autumn is here, with pale mornings and blushing afternoons. I am in love with everything. I am still testing things out, but I trust my footing.
This is the middle of my life. I don't know how I got here. I don't know exactly where I am in the scheme of things. It is impossible for me to pay attention to much of anything while I am in all this awe of just being here. I am the stuttering fool who crushes the things he loves. This is my life, and I don't deserve it. I am the kid with the brand new skateboard that is afraid to use it.
This Autumn I am reminded just how fast the seasons end. Soon my body will wither, and my mind will slip. There are advantages to that too of course, but it is time to take advantage of what is in front of me this very moment. Plunge!

 
This is not my real smile.
I don’t have anything to say. I don’t know why I have a blog. Nobody is going to gain or learn anything from what I write here. I guess there are worse ways to waste time, but I hope you know I won’t be offended if you don’t read this.
I don’t have anything figured out. I am just putting one foot in front of the other most of the time. I don’t deserve anything I have. I didn’t earn it. I just have fortune and grace. There are a few tips I have learned that help me navigate this world I find myself in, but how am I to know if they will work for anyone else? Why would I bother wasting my time or yours spewing them out here on the internet? Why am I writing this? Why this drive to put a message in a bottle and expose myself to the world?
The older I get, and the more I experience, the less I feel like I have figured out. I don’t have a clue how the world operates or how other people think. I don’t even know what I think most of the time. I can’t seem to come down on one side of most controversies. I really miss that adolescent feeling of being so sure of what I believe in. Today, I really have no clue. I feel adrift a good deal of the time. I feel less and less willing to commit to anything. I don’t want to be painted into a corner. This leads me to be alone a lot of the time, and I think it drives people away sometimes. Better to be alone, though, than to be forced into insincerity just to be around someone.
Most people make me feel uncomfortable. I don’t like small talk. I don’t always like to break the ice. The ice keeps a buffer between me and the friend I can’t say no to. I mean, it is easier to stay at arm’s length, than to attend another friend’s funeral, or to have to push someone out of my life. I am better at avoiding the whole thing than trying to enforce boundaries.
This is a rambling mess. This is what I do instead of drinking. This is how I waste my time. I sit in front of a computer and think myself around in circles until it is time to go to sleep. There is nothing really wrong with that. Where it becomes wrong is when I broadcast it out there for you to look at.
Goodnight.

Resentment

 
I left work today just a little bit angry about a comment someone had made. Actually, it was a comment someone had made that drew a reaction from someone else toward me. That is to say, it was a comment that I didn't even hear myself.
Anyway, the point is that when I left work, it was just one part of a day that wasn't really any more stressful than any other. In fact, it was a pretty decent day. It was a Friday, and I had accomplished some things. I left work with less loose ends than average. I had to stay about an hour after the work day ended, but there was really nothing upsetting or strange about that. I was even going fishing after work, so life was good.
The thing about resentments, is that they tend to grow. They are like those crystalline cancer cells I remember from high school. Resentments have a way of killing me from the inside out. At first, like today, they are just small annoyances. At some point, however, they turn into obsessions that eat away at my life. They rapaciously take more and more until I can think of little else. That is the point, if I can't find a way to let go of it, that I begin to self destruct. I have been down that road before.
By the time I was out there in the middle of the river, I found myself grinding my teeth thinking about it. I was doing the old stupid imaginary conversations where I say just the right thing. I was out there in the middle of a beautiful stream with calm all around me, and I was gritting my teeth. I guess I felt like I couldn't let it go.... but then I realized I hadn't tried.
I don't really know why some people can just go through life and react to things in a sane and reasonable fashion. I don't know why my world is a little bit crumpled from time to time. I don't know why my lenses get blurry. I am a little bit off. I have learned that it isn't the worst thing in the world, I just have to remember. I have to remind myself that the way I react to things is often strange and dysfunctional. If I remember that I am a little bit insane, and adjust my behavior, things usually turn out okay. Somewhere along the line I had to learn how to let go of the illusion of control. I have learned that there is very little difference between other people and myself. I have learned that we are all just trying to do the best we can. I have learned that it is far better to just love and accept people the way they are, and that life goes a lot easier for me when I cease fighting anyone or anything.
The thing is... I forget, and my natural state is to be in conflict, insane, and twisted up. That is what I am used to, and once in awhile, I find myself back there for no good reason. I am just glad I can wait to act out on my insanity until it passes. I didn't learn that. I didn't gain that through strength or will power. That is just grace.

I sit here and try to capture the magic that is a hot day in the city with words. It is a futile exercise. I can get so lost down here that I almost disappear. All that is left blends in with the surroundings that I love so much. For moments that seem to stretch out past time, I feel a part of the whole scene; the kids splashing each other in the fountain, the soft asphalt that releases the memories of past summer nights with each slight draft, the young couples who walk down the sidewalk seeing nothing but each other.
It is times like this that I wish I could write. I wish I could just take a piece of the way I see this scene and share it with the people I love. And these are just two eyes; this is one heart that can’t even begin to take it all in. As I sit here in the sunshine, I know I could stay here forever. And maybe I will. I know I can’t keep any of this, and I know the faces and the forms will change. It is just that the way the world holds me right here, the way I am cradled by everything I can observe… I feel like I am a part of something so much bigger than my little problems and ideas.
This heat brings everything out into the open. The city is exposed in a way that might seem shocking or outrageous in October. Today anything goes. This is summer in Boise Idaho, and we are all out here in the open. The bricks, the trees, the lights, and the heat. We are all here together sharing this moment in whatever way we choose.

a breath of summer

I haven’t had time to breathe.
Yesterday I was driving down State Street with the sun in my face and the dry taste of traffic filling my head. The heat and the lazy carelessness that comes with it just slammed into my consciousness all at once. It is summer time again. Summer, with all the crazy beauty that comes with it; all the endless nights and insane half memories that linger on into the twisted mythology of our youth; it is here again.
For just a moment, I was crazy again. I longed for the rush of self destruction. I longed for the trembling empty feeling of doing something that I absolutely know will have awful consequences. I don’t know where this comes from. I had an urge to smash my success, to mindlessly destroy something I cherish, for no payoff but the thrill of doing it.
I don’t know what stopped me either. It is not my intellect, or my judgment. I had those things before, and they never stopped me. It wasn’t the fear of losing what I have worked so hard to gain, because in that brief moment, that thought was absolutely absent. I don’t know what stayed my hand. I just know that it is beyond me. It is above and greater than I am. I do know I am absolutely grateful for whatever force that allows me to hold on to the amazing things I have in my life. I know that I owe all my effort, and all my attention to whatever that thing is that allows me to go on living this amazing life that I live.
Sometimes I wish I could dissect these things. I wish I could understand and diagnose what makes my life work out the way it does. But at times like this, I realize that if I could understand it, it wouldn’t work. This grace is beyond my comprehension, and the fact that it is indefinable and transient is a fundamental part of what makes it work so well for a guy like me.
And another breath in, and another breath out.

freedom

Today is an anniversary of my freedom. Today I remember just how fortunate I am for the choices and opportunities in my life. I hope never again to lose sight of how lucky I am for this life, for the people I get to surround myself with, and the grace that has been given to me. Today I remember that I once relinquished my liberty.
I will never again take for granted all the things that make life so amazing. I will never again give my life over to the control of any other human being, substance, or doctrine. There is some magic in this world beyond my understanding, some love that has carried me through the painful consequences to my own insane thinking and action. That power is the only power I will ever give myself over to again.
Today is the anniversary of my freedom. I get to make choices, and I get to feel all the experiences that come into my life. I get to relish joy, and learn from pain. Today I celebrate my emancipation from the little ideas, plans, and designs of myself and others. Today I celebrate my deliverance.

flight

I was on an airplane the other day. When we were about to take off, I obediently switched my portable device to the off position. After doing so, and properly stowing all carry on items, I started eavesdropping on a conversation taking place in the seats behind me. I never saw the boys, but I guess their ages to be about six and eight. They were at first arguing about why they needed to put their backpacks under the seat, but when the plane started to take off, it was very clear that this was their first plane ride.
At first, the younger one was a bit scared, and the older brother started talking about their destination in an attempt, I think, to distract him. When the plane accelerated to take off, they were both silent. I could almost feel their anxiety from where I was sitting. As soon as we were airborne, however, any trace of fear was wiped away, and I listened to a hundred shared observations from outside the window to their right. I didn’t even need to look, as they narrated everything visible outside their window in between sporadic “whoa’s” and “awesome’s.”
I am not sure if they realized that everyone else on the plane could hear every word they said before the pilot reinstated our right to turn on our computers, and headphones again, but I am sure they didn’t care. They were totally amazed both at the world outside the window and the magic that allowed them to see it from such an amazing perspective. I sat with my eyes closed and listened to them for a few more minutes.
Had I been in a more distracted state of mind, or too caught up in some imaginary drama, I may have been annoyed rather than enthralled with their dialog. Instead, I listened with gratitude, because even though I may be a bit quieter about it now, I still feel the exact same way.